Difficult Feedback in Leadership: Steel Sinks, Ships Don’t
Is Your Relationship Strong Enough for Difficult Feedback?
Steel sinks.
Drop a solid piece of steel into water and it will head straight to the bottom.
Yet shape that same steel differently and you can build a ship capable of carrying thousands of tonnes across an ocean.
This is the essence of difficult feedback in leadership: building a relationship strong enough to carry hard truths before you ever need to say them.
The steel hasn't become lighter.
We have built something capable of carrying the weight.
I think about this when leaders ask me how to give difficult feedback.
Because we spend an extraordinary amount of effort trying to make difficult feedback lighter.
We soften it. Cushion it. Package it carefully.
And, of course, there is the sandwich.
Start with something positive. Slip in the developmental feedback. Finish with something encouraging.
It sounds sensible.
But does it work when the message really matters?
A difficult feedback conversation that went well. Or did it?
Imagine a senior leader who needs to address a recurring issue with one of her most experienced team members.
He is capable, respected and delivers results. But in leadership meetings, he regularly shuts down opposing views. People have started becoming quieter around him.
His leader decides it is time to say something.
She begins by telling him how much she values his expertise and contribution.
Then comes the feedback.
She explains that he can sometimes come across as too forceful in meetings and that he might want to create more space for others.
She sees his expression change.
So she reassures him.
“I don't want you to take this the wrong way. You're a very strong member of the team and everyone really values what you bring.”
He nods. They finish on a positive note.
The conversation feels constructive.
Three weeks later, nothing has changed.
So where did it go wrong?
Perhaps nowhere obvious.
She gave the feedback. He listened. Nobody became defensive. The relationship remained intact.
But what did he actually leave believing?
That his behaviour was seriously affecting other people's willingness to contribute?
Or that he was fundamentally doing very well, with one relatively minor communication issue to work on?
In trying to protect the relationship, she may have protected him from the message.
Why Difficult Feedback in Leadership Needs More Than a Sandwich
This is where I have a problem with the feedback sandwich.
Not because positive feedback is unimportant.
Quite the opposite.
I believe leaders should give far more recognition, encouragement and acknowledgement than many currently do.
Gallup found that 80% of employees who received meaningful feedback in the past week were fully engaged. Only 16% said their last manager conversation felt that way.
But why save it to cushion something difficult?
Positive feedback deserves its own moment. And when developmental feedback genuinely matters, that deserves its own moment too.
The bigger question is what makes it possible for a leader to be direct without destroying trust.
Perhaps we shouldn't be asking: “How do I make this feedback easier to hear?”
Perhaps we should be asking: “Have I built a relationship capable of carrying the weight?”
The relationship is the vessel
The ability to have a difficult conversation isn't created in the first two minutes of that conversation.
It has been built — or neglected — through hundreds of ordinary interactions beforehand.
Does this person know that you notice their contribution when things are going well?
Have you shown interest when there wasn't a problem to solve?
Do you listen?
Are you consistent?
Have they experienced you as fair?
Do they know that when you challenge them, it comes from an investment in their success rather than a desire to catch them doing something wrong?
These ordinary interactions may not look like feedback.
But they determine what becomes possible when the difficult conversation eventually arrives.
This is where the vessel gets built.
The Unseen Game behind difficult feedback
In my book, The Unseen Game, I explore the less visible forces that shape how we lead — our mindset, how we influence the ecosystem around us, and what we are creating over time.
A difficult feedback conversation is a perfect example.
We see the words spoken in the room.
What we don't see is everything underneath them: the leader's intention; their own discomfort with conflict; the history between two people; whether recognition happens regularly or appears conveniently five minutes before criticism; whether the leader has listened before; whether they have been fair; and whether the other person genuinely believes: this leader wants me to succeed.
By the time we sit down to give important feedback, much of the work has already been done. Or it hasn't.
What could the difficult feedback conversation sound like instead?
Return to our senior leader.
If the relationship is strong, she doesn't need to spend the first five minutes depositing enough goodwill to earn the right to say something difficult.
“There's something important I want us to stay with today. In our last few leadership meetings, I've noticed that when your views are challenged, you tend to respond quickly and strongly. I'm seeing other people pull back from the discussion. I'm concerned because your expertise gives you considerable influence in that room, and right now, I think the way you're using that influence may actually be reducing the quality of the conversation.”
Then stop.
Let him respond. Ask what he sees. Explore what may be driving it.
But don't rush to make the message smaller simply because the room has become uncomfortable.
Psychological safety doesn't require the absence of discomfort.
Sometimes the relationship is doing its most important work precisely when it allows two people to stay in an uncomfortable conversation without either needing to escape from it.
Need a structure for the words themselves?The Situation–Behaviour–Impact (SBI™) approach is a useful way to keep feedback grounded: identify the specific situation, describe the observable behaviour, and explain its impact. It helps separate what you actually observed from assumptions about someone's motives. Explore the SBI™ feedback model The framework can help you structure the message. |
But no framework can build the relationship for you.
If you only have two minutes
Before your next important feedback conversation, ask yourself three things:
What needs to be heard?
If this person remembers only one thing tomorrow, what must it be?
What have I built?
Does our everyday relationship demonstrate enough fairness, trust and genuine investment that we can carry an uncomfortable conversation?
Am I prepared to let it land?
Can I resist immediately softening, explaining away or rescuing the person from the discomfort of hearing something important?
If the relationship isn't strong enough, that doesn't mean avoiding the feedback. It means recognising that there is more work to do — not only in how you deliver the message, but in the relationship you are building every day.
Give positive feedback. Lots of it.
Notice people when things are going well.
Tell them specifically what they did that mattered.
Recognise progress. Ask about their thinking. Show interest in their development when there isn't an immediate performance issue.
Do all of this because it matters.
Not because you might need it as the top slice of tomorrow's sandwich.
Then, when something difficult genuinely needs to be said, give it the space it deserves.
Be specific. Be fair. Listen. Stay curious. Allow some discomfort.
Because the strongest leadership relationships aren't those in which difficult things never need to be said.
They are the ones that have developed enough trust, respect and capacity for difficult truths to be spoken without sinking the relationship.
Steel sinks.
Ships don't.
The difference is what has been built.
What’s the conversation you haven’t had yet?
You probably already know who it’s with.
But difficult feedback is rarely the real issue. It’s a signal of something bigger: how you lead, how you’re experienced, and how much trust you’ve built with the people around you.
Executive coaching helps you strengthen the leadership underneath it all:
Lead with presence: be the person whose words carry weight in the room
Build trust that holds: relationships strong enough for honest conversations
Have the hard conversations: clearly, fairly, and without damaging the relationship
Lift your team’s performance: create the conditions where people speak up and step up
Strong leaders aren’t the ones who avoid hard truths. They’re the ones trusted enough to say them, and skilled enough to say them well.
One-to-one. Confidential. Grounded in 25+ years of leading teams across Asia.
Become the leader your team needs next.
Resources
|
Trusted by organisations across Malaysia and Singapore:
